I don't write here as often as I should. I've been incredibly busy, working multiple jobs, and trying to juggle my life. It's a delicate balance, one that is made easier by the fact that I'm single. I hate that word, "single". It just...it makes me feel like a failure. I know that I'm not, but the fact that I cannot manage to sustain a relationship for any long period of time, it bothers me a great deal. It's not part of my plan. I'm the successful person, I'm the one who always gets what I want. I work hard to achieve the things that matter to me. But a relationship, that's something I can't get the hang of. I can't just work harder to ensure that a relationship works, not when things depend upon others.
I don't talk about my "recent" breakup. It's been a month, but only a few people know any of the details. It's not something I'm proud of. It's not something I wanted. And not a day goes by that it doesn't affect me on some level. I've become close to my other exes in the past month, but it's not the same. They're all great guys, or else I wouldn't have dated them in the first place, but they are not on par with him. I realise this more and more with each passing day. Each moment that I am with one of them, I find myself thinking of him. He runs through my mind constantly. I miss him. I don't care if that makes me sound pathetic or not, I miss him terribly. Even when I'm hanging out with him...I miss him. It's a deep, powerful aching, and the worst part is that there is nothing I can do about it. It is as insatiable as my ambition. I've tried to escape it. I've tried to forget it. Tried to cover it over with physical intimacy with others...but nothing works.
I'm still waiting for the breaking point. To date I've been working almost constantly. It's almost impossible to really focus on anything other than sleep and work. But that will change soon. I've been offered a management position at my one job, so I will most likely be quitting my night job. Which means that I'll actually have time to do things. Or focus on things. Which means that something will give. Perhaps I'll just throw myself into my writing, or some other such work. I can be the reclusive bachelor...that'd be fun. Of course...I'll be living with him...so...that makes the schtick a bit...interesting. But whatever. We'll see.